Taking the "scared shitless" out of the MCAT

Obsessing over the MCAT is natural and for some of us it is a daily ritual like stuffing your face with twinkies....err, uhh, is that just me. Anywho, when I went into the MCAT I thought that this exam would bend me over and spank me like the dirty little $210 whore that it is. But, as scary as the MCAT may seem, it can be conquered. And no, it doesn't require reading 17 different prep books cover to cover and going through a billion questions. This exam can be intimidating, especially with the stigma of being the mother asskicker end of the world doctor destructor type of exam. However, contrary to popular belief, you can do very well if you know how to approach it.

The exam can be broken down a bit and looked at from different angles. First, there is the verbal section. All you need to know for this section is your abc's and how to read. This section just tests your comprehension of those ridiculous paragraphs. Practice makes perfect for this section. When you test yourself on verbal for the first time, you most likely won't do as well as you want to, but don't fret my firend. It just takes a little time to get used to the retarded format they use. After doing a few handfuls of practice passages you'll get the hang of it and not long after that it will become second nature. By then you will know what to pay attention to in a passage.

The physical sciences is the dreaded section by many. The pricks who come up with the questions for the MCAT don't expect you to remember all these little details that you once learned 3 years ago and retained for about 6 hours until you were finished with the exam for that section. In fact, you don't even need to know that many equations either. Many students who havn't taken the MCAT before will sit there and try to memorize every equation in the book. Those people would probably be better off taking that paper and rollin' a doobie. Chances are that the equations you need for the exam you already know. As for mathematical calculations, there are very few and they are fairly simple. Most questions involving equations only ask about the relationships of variables (i.e. directly or indirectly proportional). Even in this section, probably about 65% of the answers are in the passage.

The biological sciences section can be reasoned through also. From my experience most of the questions concerning biology were in the area of physiology. If you want to do good in the biology on the exam know the human body. Just read the few chapters on physiology in your prep book. As for organic chem, well....sell that book for beer money. It is the smallest portion of the exam (about 30% of that section). You just need to know the basics of organic and you'll be good to go.

My personal favorite is the writing section. Pay no attention to anyone who tells you that you need a good writing score. I have personal knowledge from a friend on the admissions committee of a medical school (no I will not tell you which one you little brown nosers), that no one gives a shit how you do on the writing. Even despite the fact no one cares, it isn't very hard to do well on the writing section. If you took bullshit 101 in college which I'm sure everyone has, then you will do fine. You could probably write on the fact that Paris Hilton has been around the block so many times that she has developed her own strain of STD. As long as it was written in halfway decient English you will do well.

For the benefit and mental well-being of all pre-meds I have made up a helpful little guide for the MCAT which I call the:

MCAT Psychosis Prevention Program

Step 1- give yourself enough time to study, but don't start 6 months before the exam that you forget everything you learned at the beginning. I'd say about 2 months should do it.

Step 2- manage the time that you give yourself. For example, do one chapter or 2 hours a day. This way you won't get overwhelmed.

Step 3 - plan to be done with content about 2 weeks before the exam. This will give you time to take a few practice exams and touch up on a couple rusty areas. Don't freak out if you do bad or forget some stuff, besides on test day you would be suprised how much info comes flowing back.

Step 4- stop clenching your buttcheeks so hard!! Relax, all the info is in your head and you know how to do it. Be positive and confident. Plus, you can always take it again if something terrible happens for whatever reason.

Step 5- once you are finished with the exam go striaght to the nearest bar and start slammin' beers! You've just taken the biggest exam of your life thus far and that would drive anyone to drink. But really, it's an accomplishment in itself just to study and to take it, so live it up and use it as an excuse for your friends to buy you drinks! Cheers!!