The 5 stages of stress

I was sitting here thinking, because I have nothing better to do, about my days studying for the MCAT and the degree to which I almost soiled my elephant boxers (oh yes, I am that classy). I noticed that my stress was inversely proportional to the time until the exam....this sentence shows that my studying has paid off!! As the MCAT came closer my stress got progressively worse. My road to insanity came in stages:

Stage 1: You come to the realization that you know absolutely nothing. The past 4 years of class is just one big hazy blur of hungover mayhem. As you determine that you can no longer procrastinate and put off studying you throw up a little in your mouth. Time to bust out the text books that have been nicely propping up your beer pong table and put together a half ass study schedule that you will be redoing 317 times in the next 2 months or so because you can't stick to it. Better put on a pot of coffee.

Stage 2: You are moving into the realm of freaking out. The clock is ticking and you can feel it. Your eyes are bloodshot and you have drank all the coffee and soda (it's soda, not pop douche bags) in the apartment. Your tired of studying and and make frequent trips to the kitchen just to forget what the hell you went there for. Panic and fatigue are setting in and you have just redone your schedule....again.

Stage 3: You just smashed the piss out of the clock in your room in the hopes that it will buy you more time. You have thought of shoving this pencil in your eye and just ending it all numerous times. After grading the practice exam that you took, you spend some time curled up in the corner crying like a 2 year old. Once you stop crying you run to the store for some Sleep-B-Gone caffine pills because you have come to the conclusion that coffee is for pussies. You still don't know jack shit, but if you beef up the studying you'll be okay.

Stage 4: Fuck!!

Stage 5: You have gone completely retarded. You no longer even know who you are or what you're doing. You now stare blankly at the text book in front of you with dried tears and snot all over your face. You have just read the same sentence 23 times and still don't know what the shit it said. You havn't slept or showered in a week and your diet consists of hot pockets and jelly beans. The world becomes a gloomy place and you feel like punching anyone that smiles at you right in the kisser. You daydream about how you could possibly burn down the testing center and get away with it. You flush your study schedule down the toilet because numbers no longer have meaning to you. When your roomate asks if everything is okay, your eye twitches uncontrollably.

At this point you are ready to take the MCAT.