Behind locked doors!

Psychology: the study of the wonders of human behavior! Sounds pleasant! Yay! Psychiatry: the study of the wonders of crazy ass people that mumble jibberish as loud as they can while spiting bits of half chewed sloppy joes in your eye ball. The psych unit is one of a kind and you have no idea what to expect when you first walk in! It's like you're living your own scary movie minus all the fits of hysteria beacuse they're all doped up on Haldol, Thorazine, and Ativan. More like walking into day of the living dead. But seriously, the psych ward can be the calmest place one minute and a fucking mosh pit of delusional people the next. Ok, maybe I exaggerate.....or do I?

Contrary to popular belief, psych patients (WHEN NOT MIND FUCKED) are some of the nicest people you will ever meet. You wouldn't know the difference, cause they are just like you and I. Sweetest people ever....so when you get there....treat them like people or I will hurt you. Remember, it's not their fault. I say these things because when actually dealing with these patients you want to be the caring compassionate person you imagined yourself as when you are a doctor. And because I'm not an asshole to my patients.....I actually care about them. I'm only an asshole to the stuck up girl in the bar that won't give the time of day to anyone not wearing a gay ass muscle shirt. She needs to get her shit together!

Anywho, I should go over the types of people you will meet and how to deal with them in the psych unit. Welcome to Psych Unit 101: Keep your fingers and toes inside the vehicle at all times.

Pateint type #1: Schizophrenic

These people will randomly come up to you and talk your face off!! But since it is all completely incoherent and doesn't make a damn bit of sense, you will be immediately bored. The only way to put up with these people is to smoke a pound of weed before going in and carrying a camelback of alabama slammers throughout your shift. Warning: Do NOT try to follow their train of thought for you will start to bleed out of your nose and ears before deteriorating into a full blown grand mal siezure.

Patient type #2 Paranoid schizophrenic

Take patient type 1 and multiply the stupidity times 100. You could entertain yourself by telling them the Libians are outside and gonna break in and steal their brain, but most likely they will fucking kill you with a rubber band. Best to take a lunch break at this point.

Pateint type #3 Bipolar

Not the classic back and forth shit you'd think. They do have cycles of depression and mania, but they are usually long. We're talking weeks and months. Bipolars are the whiny patients. Bitch, piss, moan, whine, pout, they do it all. These are the people that you want to punch in the kidney. They are annoying. I'm not talking your little sibling will come and bother you while you're with your friends annoying. I mean they have some special fucking power to piss you off at the wrong fucking time annoying. This would be the type of person that would interrupt your marriage proposal to tell you that your car headlights were on because he really thought that you should know about it at this exact moment because holy shit, what if one went out!! Just humor them for a while. Eventually, they will get to the point and tell you their problem, which you can solve in 3 seconds. These people make you look forward to that cold beer waiting for you after work.

Patient type #4 Borderline

Give them a teddy bear and tell them to go run along!! Imagine your most clingy girlfriend (or boyfriend) and multiply that by 1,000. Attention is like free basing acid to them! They are very likely to become attached to you.....set boundries early! Good luck and God speed!

Pateint type #5 Suicidal

Anyone that says they are suicidal and are still alive at that point just need attention. If they really wanted to kill themselves, they would be dead. Don't get me wrong though! These people are very fragile. These are the people that don't know how else to ask for help. Most of the time they can be redirected with counseling. It is usually a specific problem they have at that point, so listen and reason!! Don't worry, if they are already talking to you, they aren't going to kill themselves. However, if you blow them off, they will cut themselves. (Cutters- won't cut in a way to cause death, just a mode of attention seeking behavior). Best thing to do is let them know many people around them care about them and don't want to see anything abd happen to them. Tell them any problem they have can be solved and you will work with them to see that it is. Then go immediately home and drink!!

Those are the most common people you will have the pleasure of getting cussed out by in the psych unit. Remember little ones, keep your head on straight and think common sense. Wearing goggles might not hurt either cause you will get spit on. And probably hit a few times....so hockey pads. And verbally abused every 30 seconds.....so some headphones. And hand sanitizer cause these people are poopy!!

Happy mental health future docs!! Hang in there....this is just the beginning!!