Behind locked doors!

Psychology: the study of the wonders of human behavior! Sounds pleasant! Yay! Psychiatry: the study of the wonders of crazy ass people that mumble jibberish as loud as they can while spiting bits of half chewed sloppy joes in your eye ball. The psych unit is one of a kind and you have no idea what to expect when you first walk in! It's like you're living your own scary movie minus all the fits of hysteria beacuse they're all doped up on Haldol, Thorazine, and Ativan. More like walking into day of the living dead. But seriously, the psych ward can be the calmest place one minute and a fucking mosh pit of delusional people the next. Ok, maybe I exaggerate.....or do I?

Contrary to popular belief, psych patients (WHEN NOT MIND FUCKED) are some of the nicest people you will ever meet. You wouldn't know the difference, cause they are just like you and I. Sweetest people ever....so when you get there....treat them like people or I will hurt you. Remember, it's not their fault. I say these things because when actually dealing with these patients you want to be the caring compassionate person you imagined yourself as when you are a doctor. And because I'm not an asshole to my patients.....I actually care about them. I'm only an asshole to the stuck up girl in the bar that won't give the time of day to anyone not wearing a gay ass muscle shirt. She needs to get her shit together!

Anywho, I should go over the types of people you will meet and how to deal with them in the psych unit. Welcome to Psych Unit 101: Keep your fingers and toes inside the vehicle at all times.

Pateint type #1: Schizophrenic

These people will randomly come up to you and talk your face off!! But since it is all completely incoherent and doesn't make a damn bit of sense, you will be immediately bored. The only way to put up with these people is to smoke a pound of weed before going in and carrying a camelback of alabama slammers throughout your shift. Warning: Do NOT try to follow their train of thought for you will start to bleed out of your nose and ears before deteriorating into a full blown grand mal siezure.

Patient type #2 Paranoid schizophrenic

Take patient type 1 and multiply the stupidity times 100. You could entertain yourself by telling them the Libians are outside and gonna break in and steal their brain, but most likely they will fucking kill you with a rubber band. Best to take a lunch break at this point.

Pateint type #3 Bipolar

Not the classic back and forth shit you'd think. They do have cycles of depression and mania, but they are usually long. We're talking weeks and months. Bipolars are the whiny patients. Bitch, piss, moan, whine, pout, they do it all. These are the people that you want to punch in the kidney. They are annoying. I'm not talking your little sibling will come and bother you while you're with your friends annoying. I mean they have some special fucking power to piss you off at the wrong fucking time annoying. This would be the type of person that would interrupt your marriage proposal to tell you that your car headlights were on because he really thought that you should know about it at this exact moment because holy shit, what if one went out!! Just humor them for a while. Eventually, they will get to the point and tell you their problem, which you can solve in 3 seconds. These people make you look forward to that cold beer waiting for you after work.

Patient type #4 Borderline

Give them a teddy bear and tell them to go run along!! Imagine your most clingy girlfriend (or boyfriend) and multiply that by 1,000. Attention is like free basing acid to them! They are very likely to become attached to you.....set boundries early! Good luck and God speed!

Pateint type #5 Suicidal

Anyone that says they are suicidal and are still alive at that point just need attention. If they really wanted to kill themselves, they would be dead. Don't get me wrong though! These people are very fragile. These are the people that don't know how else to ask for help. Most of the time they can be redirected with counseling. It is usually a specific problem they have at that point, so listen and reason!! Don't worry, if they are already talking to you, they aren't going to kill themselves. However, if you blow them off, they will cut themselves. (Cutters- won't cut in a way to cause death, just a mode of attention seeking behavior). Best thing to do is let them know many people around them care about them and don't want to see anything abd happen to them. Tell them any problem they have can be solved and you will work with them to see that it is. Then go immediately home and drink!!

Those are the most common people you will have the pleasure of getting cussed out by in the psych unit. Remember little ones, keep your head on straight and think common sense. Wearing goggles might not hurt either cause you will get spit on. And probably hit a few times....so hockey pads. And verbally abused every 30 seconds.....so some headphones. And hand sanitizer cause these people are poopy!!

Happy mental health future docs!! Hang in there....this is just the beginning!!

Back and smarter than a first grader....I mean first year med student!

Ya'll probably thought that I was gone forever and the blog was done. You started tearing up cause you knew that no one else would give you the wit and wisdom that I have offered. And....since you found out that the US government was planning on shipping all the retards out of the country in 2010, you thought that you might as well just pack your crayons and get ready to leave. Well, I have been busy, but I have plenty more experiences and advice to hand down to all of you.

Academia slaviensis

Academia slaviensis spp. bullshitworkitis: This rare neurological parasite that feeds on the bodies of pre-med students causing severe symptoms including but not limited to:

-Waking up to drool on your notes after passing out in on your desk
-Walking to class at 8am to get there and realize you don't have this class today....you had that class last semester
-Uncontrolled nose bleeds
-Complete deterioration of all known social skills
-Sporatic amnesia (what the hell was i just doing? what's my name? who are you and why are you in my bed?)
-Complete loss of fashion sense....you now think that sweat pants are "business casual".

But most of all the leading symptom of this terrible disease is:

-Being so ridiculously busy being a slave to all of your ego-driven-bitchy-ass-shit-for-brains-professors that you completely forget to keep up with you totally rockin' blogtastic blogariffic blog!

On that note, I know I did this once before for a little bit and to those of you that have a problem with that....well, bite me. But I have not forgotten about all of my fellow neurotic freakoids! And guess what time it is......time to apply!!

For those of you who were confused with where I am and what the hell it is that I'm actually doing. Well.....Lets go back to the waiting game post (insert flashback sequence music). I was waiting to hear back from my number one choice school.....drum roll please..........I got in! Yay for me, la dee dah, ect, ect. Anywho, that was my masters. Yup, I'm a tard and decided to do my masters first. Okay.....zoom back to present.....now....finally, now that I will kick all of your asses at getting in cause......lets face it.....I'm better than you.....it is time to apply to med school. I kid, I kid.....you guys are !!cough!!#gag$%cough%^ good too @gag#%!! :)

Lets not forget our unifying concept tho people....we are all in this together. All trying to figure out a unique way to out-kiss the ass of the admissions committee member better than the next person. Well, I'll be stickin around keeping the lighter side, exposing the bullshit, and bitching about the absurdity of the application process!

I would also like to wish all of you applying the best of luck this year. I hope you all accomplish your dreams!!


........but I'm still gonna kick all your asses!!

Dr. Douchebag!

ahoy guys and dolls.....i know what your gonna say.....something along the lines of "where the hell did that asshole disappear to??" I have had my head up my ass for a while, and by that I mean I have been ridiculiously busy. Well, you have my apologies. But I'm back now, so deal with it!! I have plenty of stuff to share with yall.....which I will.......tomorrow......cause it's Saturday......and I have some beer drinking to do!! And if you are sitting here reading this right now and it is still Saturday night.....I have some advice for you. First, slap yourself. Second, grab a beer take it in the shower with you.....it's called multitasking.....you can get ready and pre-game at the same time. Third, put on your best set of duds. Fourth, go knock on the apartment next to you and grab the cutest girl (or guy) and tell them that you are taking them out for some drinkiepoos. Fifth, I order you to have fun!!

Alright, until tomorrow fellow obssesive-compulsive dorks!!

10 ways to ace any exam

I decided to actaully write something half way serious for a change. (no i'm not on drugs) I figured this will be my community service to the pre-med world for the upcoming fall. It took me 3 and 1/2 years to master this technique. And thru much trial and error I have come up with the 10 things you need to do to ace any exam. Some of these are purty obvious....but then again you are a college student and don't know shit. When's the last time you saw a college student do something that actually made sense...............exactly, so shut up and listen.

1. GO TO CLASS. Wow, who woulda thunk! Maybe if you would go to class one and a while you would have a clue as to what the hell is on the exam. I usually had about 5 classes in a semester and there would be at least 2 classes that I went to just for the 3 exams. I wouldn't recommend it, unless you either have a photographic memory OR it's some pussy fine arts dance class you took as a blow off class so you could have fridays off.

2. STAY AWAKE IN CLASS. I give you that at times this can be damn near impossible. Figure out a way to stay awake.....there's always a way. Slam a red bull during class or sit next to the extremely hot chick (or guy) in the class. Go to the bathroom and throw cold water in your face or just excuse yourself and run around the building a few times. Do whatever works.

3. TAKE NOTES. This is huge!! They don't have to be pretty, just scribble them down. If you don't have notes then you're fucked. It's as simple as that. This one covers that whole paying attention thing cause you have to pay attention to take notes. Even if the class has reached the level of crazy ass retarded boring, just try to pay attention and get the notes. You can still half zone out and get all the notes. I used to do that all the time. As a general rule of thumb, write down everything the prof writes on the board or on a power point. If you get a talker (talker= some crazy bitch who rambles on incoherently like they have uncontrollable diarrhea of the mouth) Just try to get the main points. The prof will probably repeat the main points or pause after a main point for writing. I recommend just one notebook for each class cause it's simple and you don't confused your tiny little minds!!

4. IF YOU MISS A DAY, GET THE NOTES FROM SOMEONE. You'd be suprised how much shit you can miss in a day. I had days where I just couldn't drag my ass outta bed to get to class. Either that or I was skipping it to go drink some frosty brews at the ballgame! Whatever the reason, remember to cover your ass and get the notes. I'm too damn lazy to rewrite what someone wrote, so I would ask to borrow their notebook for a few hours, walk to the library and photocopy their notes from their notebook!! Easy and simple!! Plus, it's a great way to meet a cute girl (or guy) in the class. Every once in a while, you can ask the prof for notes and they will give them to you.

5. ASK QUESTIONS. If you don't get something, just ask about it in class. If you ask about it while you're in class then you won't have to hunt down the answer in a book later. Also, you get points with the prof for asking questions. This will help you later when you have a borderline grade on something or when you need a recommendation letter! Plus, participation is usually a portion of the grade anyway. Chances are the question you ask in class will show up on the test somewhere which just means easy points for you!

6. READ THE BOOK. I can't stress this enough!! Read the damn book, it's not that hard!! It doesn't take that long either. Most exams have material from the lectures and material from the book that they don't go over in class. By reading the chapter you not only refresh the material in your head, but you also cover the stuff the prof doesn't go over but is still on the exam.

7. MANAGE YOUR TIME. If you do any of these, do this one!! This was my key to A's thru college. Read the book ahead of time. If you do a half a chapter or a chapter a day, you stay ahead of the class, you give yourself time to go over shit you don't get, and you avoid having to cram for exams. Don't wait till the night before the exam to study for it. Even if you think it will be easy. You wouldn't believe how good it feels to be a chapter ahead of the class in all of your classes. Never behind and never stressed. It eliminates virtually all the stress of cramming and all that jazz. For example, if I had an exam in two weeks which cover material from 4 chapters, I would read a chapter a day or a chapter every other day. This way it would leave me at least 5 or so days to study for the exam. My method is to read the chapter kinda fast and highlight the important stuff. I then go back and study the highlighted stuff and I study my notes. I also do practice problems if necessary. Once I read and highlighted all of the chapters I would start studying for the exam two days before. That gives me two days to STUDY (not start reading and then study). By the time the exam roles around you'll be a pro.

8. STUDY BY YOURSELF IN A QUIET PLACE. Believe it or not, but studying with other people doesn't work. You end up sitting and talking about random shit like where you're going to go out this weekend or about why Paris Hilton is such a skank. Also, studying with music doesn't work either. You cannot memorize things and listen to music at the same time. You're brain can't handle it. You brain needs to focus on what you're putting into it, otherwise you won't remember the material the next day. Find a quiet spot where you work best. I'm really picky about where I study. I need like mood lighting and everything. Go whereever you can be the most productive. (Not Starbucks!) Just trust me, if you do this you'll get shit done faster and you'll know more than other people--because all the other people are pissing away their time studying in starbucks with their friends not getting anything done. Hang out with your friends later doing something better....like doing kegstands half-naked!!

9. UNDERSTAND IT. It is by far way better to learn and understand the material than just trying to memorize it. If you understand the material you will ace every exam because if you ever get a tough question you can reason through it. Plus, if you understand the material, you won't have to spend so much time studying the material, it will just come naturally. I know there are some classes where that's just not gonna happen. In these cases, memorize the shit like there's no tomorrow!! One more thing....don't forget that all this stuff is gonna come back on the final, so if you understand it, the material will come back to you so easy and you won't get that "oh my damn, i'm gonna mess my pants" feeling!!

10. TAKE BREAKS. No one expects you to study for 9 straight hours. I give myself a list of stuff that I need to get done that day and I try to get it done as early as possible. This way I can screw around at night and do what I want (i.e. try to pick up women with horribly cheesy pick up lines)! Referring to #7, if you do a little every day, you save yourself alot of hassle. Anyways, take a break whenever you find yourself rereading the same line 4 times and still not knowing what it said. Grab a bite to eat, a 20 minute power nap, or talk to a friend for a bit. It gives you a refresher so that you can keep truckin!!

I assure you that if you do these, you will get an A on all your exams!! Once you get that A, you will be happy knowing you're doing what you came to do, and that you're probably making the rents happy too. Once you get a few A's and use these good study habits, it will become second nature!! By following these basic guidelines, you will actually be spending less overall time studying and have much less stress!!

One final note, once you're done with the exam....go fuckin' party cause you earned it!! Good luck and happy studying!!

ER: A crash course in medicine

As I mentioned before I work in the emergency room at a local hospital. This is my first position in a hospital. I had been in medicine for some time as an EMT, but that was all pre-hospital care. And let's face it, there's only so much that you can do out in the field. I was brought in to work in the ER without knowing a damn thing about stuff like venipuncture and IV's and all that stuff. They really go by the philosophy "watch one, do one, teach one". By my second day at work I was drawing blood and starting IV's on patients. By the fourth day, I was forced to do it as fast as I could. My preceptor kept telling me, "your in the emergency room, seconds matter, and you need to get that line in fast!" By the end of my second week I was teaching a new girl how to start IV's and draw blood. They just kind of threw me in the water and it was sink or swim. Well, in my case I swam with ease. Still to this day I have only missed two IV's. I was happy when people that worked there for years were telling me I was like a natural. It made me feel really good because I will be doing this stuff for a long time. This was the first thing that actutally made me think for a second, "I think I'm going to make a good doctor". Now, I know you want some of the good stuff too. Yes, believe it or not, I did make a few dumb mistakes. The funniest one was happened one day with the thermometers in the rooms. As some of you may know, they use a probe thermometer that is the size of a walkie talkie. There are two different probes in it, one is red and one is blue. You take the probe, put on a sterile, disposable cover, and place it under the patients tongue like normal. Well....what no one ever told me is that the blue one was for taking the temp orally, while the red one was for taking the temp rectally. Yup, that's right, I gave a patient and oral temperature with the red probe. I felt like an asshole when the nurse told me about it later. Whoops!!

The waiting game....

I think one of the most nerve-racking things about applying to school whether it be medical school, grad school, or whatever is the freakin wait. I 'm talking about after you have sent in everything and your application is all completed. At first, you're just like "fuck yeah, it's done and everything is in....to the bar!!" Yet, after a day or two of just forgetting about it, it starts coming back to mind. The more time that passes the more you obssess over it. Will I get in? I hope I get in!! You soon drive yourself completely nuts. I'm in the waiting game right now as I type. I'm waiting to hear from the very last program I've applied to!! This is my top choice school!! I should find out this week if I get in. I can't think about anything else. I'll keep you guys posted as to what happens. I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope I get in!!!! I'm going crazy!!!!